This is how I live, love, laugh my life.
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“I’ll be more than glad if you were to meet me with happiness and not just any happiness, but a happiness which last till eternity.”

Fyqah cinta texted me just now and I have to agree with every word she says. Yes, I have not move on and NO, not because I wanted it. But because each time this heart wanted so much to move on, HE will come back and said those unbearable sweet words and then the next day, he’ll be gone for good. I don’t want to be stuck in there cos it feels so darn horrible to be in that position.
Sometimes, I felt like packing up my stuffs and leave my denial world for good and never turn back. But I didn’t want to. I don’t want to leave cos I believe we still have hope and I still care for you. Call me dumb, stupid or whatever you can call me, but I believe whatever decisions I make and steps I take, I will eventually stumbled upon happiness one day.

I don’t want to be living like this forever, not knowing what you’re gonna do next. I want my life to be like it used to be before I got to know you. You said, you want to see me change and change for the better. But what about the change I want to see from you a long time ago? You told me, you still love me, miss me. But all I see is words. Words with no action don’t prove anything to me.

And yesterday, after seeing you, I cried for a little while. I figured, there’s no point following to whatever you said because all this while, I’m the one making it work. I’m the one who tried so much to make you stay and to make you believe that I’m here for you always.
When you met with an accident, I wanted so much to visit you. I want to see you. But I held myself back. I know I will get trashing or worse, your condition will get worse if I visit you. For days I cried and prayed to GOD that you’ll be okay and that everything’s gonna be alright on your side. I asked GOD to protect you from anything. I did that because I still love you. And I know that’s the least I could do.

I was so eager in meeting you but all I get was scolding from you. You don’t even want to look at me and even chased me away. But I still stayed on. I wanted to clear things between us. But you don’t even care my presence there. I struggled in silence. I held back my tears. I stood and sit there like an idiot not knowing what to do next.
Your best friend, who make up stories about me[which I still clearly remembers up till now!] and my cousin, reluctantly visited you for barely 5 minutes and after that he’s nowhere to be seen. Yes, he’s the friend that you trusted so much till you even could scold me for whatever bull craps he told you.

You’d rather have someone else than me. Yes, when in times need, I’m the first you seek and when in times of happiness, I’m the last you pick.

And now, each time your friends told you that they saw me with a guy friend and all, you get fcuked up for no reason and started hurling words that were so hurting to me. And even my dressing seems to be a problem for you. I was scared, afraid to tell you back that I’m not yours anymore. Because I didn’t want to hurt you. I was always afraid of what to say to you cos I’m afraid it will hurt you but you? Have you ever thought that your words always hurt me?

You caused me to cry every now and then. If it hurts you just to see me happy then pray hard that I will die soon. Cos there’s no point living in this world with tears every day.
I want to be happy. I beg you, come clean with me to why you did all this.
:'(

If you were in my position, what would you do?
I'm giving up cos I'm tired of crying and hunger of happiness.